Monday, December 1, 2008


If you've ever had flashbacks, be it from strong memories (a la PTSD) or for "other" reasons, you know how weird they are. I get them occasionally. I just had one. Actually I'm still having it. It's the strangest feeling in the world. Kinda like deja vu but not really.

I know that it's not a year ago (or longer). I know things have changed. Yet. Well, I can't really describe it. The general feeling is there. More than that, this one is very weird in that I have an overwhelming need to get Andy's TPN ready. You'll remember TPN is "food" (nutrients) via IV. We had to hook him up every night around this time.

I'm looking where we kept the supplies. I know they're not there. I can't see them. But on the other hand I feel like they're there. But they're not. But they are.

I can't shake the feeling that I need to prepare his TPN. In fact it's starting to become quite an urgent feeling.

No, I'm not crazy. No, I'm not on drugs. No I'm not drunk. Yes I've been taking my meds. No I'm not Kanadian.

This has to be one of the strangest things that's happened to me in a long time.

Fortunately writing about it has made it pretty much go away. That's why I sat down to write this out. It's as therapeutic now as it was a year ago.

Go hug your children and thank God that they're healthy.

I still like cashews.


Anonymous said...

It will always be there in some fashion ... but as they say, time heals all. Fifty years from now, you will still catch yourself looking over there and thinking you need to get the TPN ready ...... By then, his children will be entering college .... and you will still be wanting to protect him. That goes with being an awesome dad, not just being an effect PTSD.

xoxo, B

Anonymous said...

Jimmy has a nickle for his cracked corn! Pirates like pie and houses of light!